To start let me introduce myself...:-)I'm chris
Won't give my age away just yet cos i'm not out to alienate any age of person reading my blogs.Why !!!cos i believe no matter what age you are all of us at some point in our lives start to think why are we here, why is this happening to me and what does my future hold .
I am at yet another crossroad in my life were i have to decide which road i take.In order for me to right about the present i need to give you some of my past so hold on .....
I went to a comp' school on the outskirts of liverpool, finishing there and being pushed towards college and a career as a chef . After college i spent some time in Germany as a chef and loved every minute only coming back due to my grandad's ill health.
On my return i worked for british rail as a steward and from there moved to Bournemouth were i had family....so let me begin
My life so far has been dominated with relationships that have so far failed, a position that more and more people are experiencing.
It has also been dominated by a roller coaster of emotions steming from my father abandoning my mum and his 2 1/2 year old son ...me, me growing up to quickly beyond my years and having to except a father that even my mother came to realise was a drain on her happiness ,failed relationships that at the time distroyed my faith in love. Having a brain heamorrage at 25 and almost dying which changed my way of looking at life. Then over the years loosing 3 children to seperations to keep my sanity and prevent me going over the edge.
My first child i gave up at 6 months old, my decision, but one i felt i had to make at the time. my son was born 3 months after i had my heamorrage,that was a tough time for me with my wife working away and my mum having to come and live with me in bournemouth and teach me to walk again. I looked at my life and realised that i was just existing doing alot of things on my own with very few friends and a rift between me and my dad. It was the year of the great storms that battered britain !
I lost contact with my mother who was my crutch for as long as i know for four years. This was due to a bust up with my mum and father in law on the top table, before the speaches were read and in front of 150 people. Turning and looking at my wife tears in her eyes wondering was my marriage over before it started ! not then but it did add to the break up 4 years later.Then i had to give up yet another son of 2 and half my other little boy. I was living in poole in dorset at the time with no family to call my own and close to a second breakdown. So with alot of reluctance i moved back to liverpool to be with my family for support.That was in August 1996.
By Christmas i was starting to feel more like myself but was still finding it hard to deal with not seeing my 2nd son as much as i wanted. That christmas i met another girl at a christmas party and we started to date, by the end of march she was pregnant. Not from choice but from a new contraception called the personna kit which made false claims of how you would not get pregnant by using it ! and yes you guessed it she did.
To be totally honest i wasn't ready for another child i had only just had to leave one and i was supposed to deal with bringing up another.We bought a house and on jan 05 1998 my third boy arrived.
For 8 solid months he was a had child to raise and my partner found it very hard to cope with such a demanding boy. I had just started up a new business at the end of the resession my partner wasn't working and i was having to get up to my son on no less than 5 times a night. I can honestly say to you that i know what it is like to suffer from what i can only describe as post-natal depression !!! We could never understand why he was such hard work, crawling one minute along the floor and wanting to sleep on and off all day.
Then came his 8 month development check and bingo we found want had been 8 months of torture!! our little boy had holes in his heart :-(
At that moment when we should have been relieved all i could feel was guilt. Guilt for all the times i could have thrown my son out of the window, the lack of sleep the hate i felt towards him because i had given up my other sons and here was this little boy who i had held back my total love and here he was crying for someone to help him.
At 1 and after 2 cancellations he had his operation to rectify the holes and 1 of his valves which was in the wrong place. It was now time to tell my 2nd wife that i had a son and a new life! she was never going to understand that wasn't her nature . She had wanted 3 children by the age of 35 and i had taken that away from her, now i was about to tell her that i had another son by someone else!
I rang the number and started to tell her why i hadn't been in touch as often as i would have liked and waited for her response. It didn't take long!!! you have stolen my fam and now you want to play happy families when you come to see our son. I had thought for one split second that she may have realised that there were other people in the world that were worse of than herself. Deep down though i new it wouldn't happen.
I was due to travel and take his christmas presents down to my son in Poole and the night before i was due to go i called to tell his mum of my plans. On speaking to her she informed me that it would be better that we go through the courts something she said would never happen , i was devastated. In March it was his birthday 2 days after mine and i thought i would try again and take his presents both for his birthday and christmas.
I called her to arrange a possible visit to find that not only had she changed her number but also 5 other members of the fam ! The court process took 2 yearsof nastiness 1 year of seeing my son and since then never seeing him again dure to her hatred for me and my not being able to put my new partner through years of fighting, so i through in the towel hoping that when he was older he would know the truth 
After 2 & half years of my youngest sons life his mother and me decided that we had spent so long dealing with my son's illness my fight with my middle son's mum and demons that we had both brought into the relationship that we had no room for each other and went our seperate ways.
After a year i found what i thought was a match made in heaven my third wife
In 2001 I was on a trip to Cardiff to watch liverpool in the cup. I turned to my brother and mate and said on a night out that i was the happiest i could remember for a long time and by the evening i had met my future wife.
She lived in gloucester and as i met her through beer goggles on a night out i thought that it was time to meet this woman who gave me goose bumps whenever we spoke . So 2 weeks later i drove to gloucester and met her in the car park of a super market. I was so totally cacking it and when i saw her i couldn't believe how lucky i was she was gorgeous.
After 2 months of me travelling to see her twice a week after work she moved to liverpool and started a new life and job 2 miles away, happy days.
18 months later we were married and so happy, 3 years after that my world fell apart.... whoever invented the text message wants shooting !
3 years ago i became so frustrated with the country and what was happenning to the very foundations of our society i decided to sell up and be free to do something new and exciting:idea. Move abroad. I didn't want to be connected to this place i wanted to be free to write the fantasy fiction book i have in my head, to set up an outward bound company. So i moved to spain with my estate car filled with my tenting
equipment some tools, and lots of idea's ..........to be continued
I have had every job you can imagine from being a trained chef to having with my father company building sports cars
